If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
