I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize