well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
