My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
