Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
