Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
