I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
