I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
