I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
