Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
