Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
