pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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