It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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