thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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