Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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