I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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