its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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