He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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