The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
