It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
