So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she smelled like a LAN party
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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