It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize