my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
