Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
