for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
