It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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