god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
