Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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