life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
MIDGETS
????
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
