I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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