words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
