Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
