Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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