I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
