she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
