My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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