Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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