I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
50% drunk capacity currently
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
