If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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