The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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