She said her name was "party"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
