Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
