What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
