You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
