I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
