apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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