Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
