I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
