god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
