She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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