I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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