the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
