The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
