Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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