I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
