Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
