So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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