Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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