Swine flu. Run for my life!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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