My balls are so social today.
He felt like a one man threesome
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
