you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
