i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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