i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
