I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
